Regrets

Well, I've said it before, I never was much good at journaling. Today's exercise is to have somewhere to vent. I figure not many people are reading this anyway so who cares. And if you are, pardon my whinging — because that's what it will amount to.

I imagined growing old and being like some stereotypical eccentric woman who waxes philosophically about her life as she recounts her memoires. You know the type — usually pictured as some aging French woman who sits at a cafe holding a coffee in one hand, a long slim cigarette in the other; a large yet elegant hat perched upon her head, adamantly declaring “Je ne regrette rien.” – For the linguistically challenged that's French for “I do not regret anything.” My illusion is shattered — besides, I don't like coffee anyway.

I don't want to get into everything here. Those who know my struggles these past two years will know the pressure I've been under. Those who don't — well words would not suffice.

The latest pressure is moving. By this time next month, I will have relocated myself and my parents into a new home. Their first move in 35 years. I can't begin to explain how stressfull this is proving to be. It would be bad enough if it was just the move — it's all the battles about EVERYTHING. My parents seem to be incapable of decisions anymore. They have plenty of opinions about things, but the decisions change daily — hourly — sometimes by the minute until you just want to pull your hair out and scream “ENOUGH!”

So to help me get through today — I'm going to imagine that I'm that placid French lady, but instead I will be saying “Je regrette beaucoup.”

I regret…

that my life right now does not afford me the time to be there for a very good friend who could use the kind of support she's given me time and time again over the past 2 years.

that having so much on my plate has meant that I've been unable to devote much time to maintaining friendships which have been reduced to an occasional email.

that my friends know the reasons and understand but that understanding doesn't make the guilt go away.

that I don't often have the patience to deal with everything on my plate.

that my most prevalent fantasy is wishing the Calgon take me away! moment was a reality.

that I can't just run away with or without the Calgon.

that I feel defeated so often lately.

that I allow myself to indulge in this when I've reached my limit and thereby illustrate what a self-pitying idiot I can be.

Fin

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